在一兄鮮少來電，日前忽焉一響，心知不祥，哽咽聲中，語謂其妻遽逝矣！不忍問之所以，斷續間，僅知兄嫂因咳嗽入院，隨即隔離，三、四日後，無能再喚良人矣！男子與女子相愛而結褵，互誓而為夫妻，本欲執子之手，與子偕老，又怎耐中道相捨，闊洵難信？危亡之運，去故之悲，信乎庾子山所謂：「天意人事，可以悽愴傷心者矣」。
家父母攜手五十餘載，互信且重。村里有喜慶之禮，上車時，家父因步履不穩後傾，以致母親跌倒顱內出血，開刀診治，昏迷三日，家父憂焚五內，日日守候，幾不進餐，夜間三時甫離開病房返家稍事休息，五時半卻又見父親之身影於病房門外，余驚而起，見父親滿臉憔悴，消瘦獨立，眼神憂恐，母親此時仍昏厥未醒，而父親時時刻刻相守於此暮年之際，該是擔心天命之日的到來吧！為人子者，看著兩位老人家，我突然感受到「年少夫妻老來伴」的真實意義，父親握著母親的手，未吐一言，就這樣靜靜的看著，汨汨的淚水滑在臉頰。於旁，我則已熱淚盈於眼框，蓋糟糠之妻雖老矣，然老來之伴纏綿病榻，相隨豈能令人釋心？父親去後，所遺文字：「芸（父親以此呼喚母親）有頭疾，為余所致，若不起，余命不長矣」！父親懸念之心，恩愛之情，無需綴語即已道盡。
村里海伯伯，東北講武堂砲科畢業，抗日軍興，東北陷敵後，隨部陸續轉進西南而至重慶。海媽媽時方十八，懸念未婚夫婿安危，獨自一人，關山跋涉千里尋夫，步行而至重慶，相認於亂世之中，相隨於苦難之時，所謂「團聚」，實不能不說是祖宗的庇蔭，上天的賜福。而後海伯伯蹈湯火，歷戎馬，幾死幾生於日軍刀槍之下，終能與海媽媽隨軍至台。每年過年，海家的大門上，所書寫的對聯，永遠是粗厚顏體的「忠厚傳家久，詩書繼世長」兩句，或許，正因忠厚，傳家方渡百苦，實惟詩書，繼世乃避千阨，於今海家兩老亦埋骨於斯矣，而那段小姑娘堅毅大膽，千里尋夫的往事，卻仍鮮活在晚輩的心裡。
有人千里相會終成姻緣，也有人死生契闊參商永隔。范蠡與西施於越滅吳後，盪於三江五湖，歷經侍寢相離的人生難堪之境，終得安享餘年，陶朱而富。然孔雀東南飛，以避西北之高牆，仲卿卻依然無法享夫唱婦隨之樂，至於放翁在釵頭鳳裡，以三個「錯」、三個「莫」，數說了東風拆散鴛鴦的苦楚！語謂：「黯然銷魂者，惟別而已矣」，生死契闊，于謙悼內而哭其妻，曉看天色暮看雲，行坐之間兩思君；元稹遣悲懷而傷韋氏，終夜長開其眼，期報未展之眉；三白志趣而喚芸娘，卻以情篤而早喪所愛！兩情相悅而頓失所依，怎不為悽愴傷心之事？
千江有水千江月裡，「女有貞，男有信」，是神來之筆，卻無兩安之結局，勞燕分飛時，或負心之男，或絕情之女，是誰絕於誰？又是誰不負於誰？恩愛夫妻尚且不到頭，又何論婚嫁未及遂乃溝水東西之兩造？在電影「浩劫重生」裡，男主角飛機失事，四年荒島獨處，所念惟其所愛耳，脫困之後，所愛已然他嫁為婦，兩人在大雨中，相見彼此唯一所愛，往事糾雜，但怎麼也不能改變眼下的現實！「曾經滄海難為水，除卻巫山不是雲」，曾經之後，除卻之外，激起塵封的交頸記憶，是痛苦而不是快樂，在天地間，即或是真愛，一旦錯過便不再。
「知君用心如日月，事夫誓擬同生死」，相守之人，若真能不離不棄，又何需因明珠而垂淚？然我輩非太上忘情者流，更不知鼓盆又當何所而歌，恩愛夫妻不到頭，豈其然哉！豈不哀哉！
2 comments:
6-27-2007
Oblivion is the sudden storm of summer's midlife.
It simply was, is and will be in this semi-tropical town.
Resisting it, we mortals dodge and run,
Perhaps, with a little luck, we can even run ahead of it.
But couting one's steps in the fog of rain,
the dripping wet fun brings just a little coolness to the art of forgetting.
After the storm and after the coolness,
Silence takes her shift,
Perhaps in the heart,
Perhaps somewhere dreamless.
Oblivion and eternity,
Who can tell me that they are not the fateful twins?
6-29-2007
"last song of cicadas"
the beginning and end of an era
two decades ago
its heat and the tangled threads
ooze toward a dust sealed gate
I stand between the light and darkness
inside and outside
here is a second reckoning
its stillness can only be felt by the deafening songs of cicadas.
My love, if you no longer are,
I will still indulge in this belated summer monologue
and pardon me
if it feels senseless
unworthy as a confession
or untimely as an apocalypse
my jumbled words mean to heal two bruised souls
neither mine nor yours singularly
she was already old at 22
a remarkable misfit between the dreams
afforded to young women and men
in the remote village at the northern foothills
her mundane glory in books
was to lead to comfort and marriage
rendering the passion for knowledge
a truly forbidden fruit
so she feared
her looks fell outside the willing judgement of male gazes
she was supposed to be svelte, tall and beautiful
she wasn't and she was, was she?
So, my love,
between 15 and 21,
this young woman felt nakedly unwanted as a human being
at 21 she paced between anger and tenderness
as she suddenly became all you ever wanted
you had been so far, so silent, so unrelenting for six years
this new revelation was a true dilemma
for there was another man
who was not chosen over you
his was and your wasn't was simply time's ridicule
she had a vague sense of sexual insurgence
one is entitled to one's pleasure, isn't it?
she fought the struggle between her as a thing or a person
unknowingly she was given, or she chose
the mythical male tale of virgin vs. unruly women
and a third option was sadly beyond her consciousness
the night at the top of the tower
where star dust was the moon's confetti
in each other's arms bodily eternity flew into one fate
two loves whispered the pale cosmic light into a cool sanctuary
in the heat of the tropical summer
the sweetness, the dilemma, the struggle
all came into a world shattering collision
the year 1986 was unkind to this young soul
alone she ran away from death and from love
her feelings had to end
because the other side was abyss
this fatherless feeble soul could not consummate
as a pure and untormented virgin
she thought her love truly desired
she lives now as two souls in two lands
one does not wish to inconvenient the other
let alone her love and his loved ones
heartache now is said to be the remaining key
to this dust sealed gate
once there was a different kind of dust
between the tower and the moon
when past and future were curiously reticent
my love, hear this as the last song of cicadas
because the fate of a remarkable misfit
is a forever wandering Sisyphus
now we shall toss the key to the end of time
where ripples end and water is said to begin
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